Sunday, September 9, 2012
Let's go, Steelers.
I freaking love those kids.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Well, we are. It's true. And it's already the 19th. I bet you've got some catching up to do.
Don't believe it? Read this article and report back to me. Go on, I'll wait. I'll even link it again to show you the part I want you lazy wankers to notice.
Are you back? You didn't read it, did you? But you should! It's interesting stuff! I mean, who knew that masturbation was GOOD for you? Both men and women reap health benefits from diddling their bits and baubles. It improves your circulation and releases tension and, hey, you can't get pregnant from it. Awesome, right?
This month-long celebration has generated some strange contests among the more enthusiastic supporters. Check out these "current" (2009-10) records:
- The winner of "Longest Time Spent Masturbating/Male" (and also the World Record Holder in this category) is Mr. Masanobu Sato, who in 2008 masturbated for 9 hours and 33 minutes. In 2009 he extended his record to 9 hours and 58 minutes. Please note that time records indicate duration (length of time for which a participant masturbated). Damn.
- The winner of "Longest Time Spent Masturbating/Female" was set in 2008 by Ms. Kitty Kat, who masturbated for 7 hours and 6 minutes.
- The winner of "Most Orgasms/Male" was set by Big Rob in 2010—at 83 climaxes, a world record.
- The winner of "Most Orgasms/Female" is Loooo-C, who orgasmed 83 times in 2010.
Now some of these names don't look real to me, so I can't attest to the validity of the records. However, if anyone wants to take their best shot at beating these people at their own game, feel free to take matters into your own hands. Judging by those records, you might want to notify your employers before you begin.
Yes, YES, YES. May is National Masturbation Month.
What are you going to do about it?
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
|Oh, holy hell!|
"I can't do my homework."
The WTF Backpack. So realistic, it'll scare the absolute piss out of you.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I asked this question on a social networking forum and got a variety of responses including this one:
And this one:
"Vulva is just a gross word." (Vulva is not a gross word. "MOIST" is a gross word.)
And also this one: "It all means the same thing."
Do you need another diagram? Okay, here:
So if you choose to shave your vulva, that's cool. Get creative. Have fun with it. However, if you choose to shave your vagina, it's not going to end well. Don't use the good towels.
Now, I know there will be someone who will get all worked up about this. Calm down. You can teach your kids whatever you want. Don't sweat it because some stranger on the internet told you that it's the wrong word. You're not breaking any law of child rearing. No member of the Vulva Brigade will show up and ticket you for referring to your lady bits as your bajingo and hand you some reading material about the inaccurately named Vagina Monologues. I'm not going to take away your euphemisms. Hell, euphemisms are fun! Tell them it's a Harvey Wallbanger or a FlufferNutter if you like.
I'm just saying that technically, it's incorrect.
The vulva is the correct term for the outside parts as a collective whole.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
|Found ya, sweetcheeks.|
Monday, April 9, 2012
Not many people choose cannibalism as a kitchen theme.
It wasn't always this way. When we first moved into this house, "apples" was my theme. That's it. Just "apples". Plain, boring, non-threatening...apples. But they were everywhere! I had apples at the end of the ceiling fan pull chains, I had apple clocks and salt shakers and numerous cookie jars (on an apple-lined shelf). I even painted them on the cabinets. (Side note: Metal Cabinets are an abomination and should not exist ever, as they are horrifically evil, but that's a post for another day.)
The kitchen was so ridiculously covered that I eventually developed an aversion to the fruit. I was sick to death of those frigging apples, but I kept that theme for YEARS.
|The apple theme was going full-throttle |
before any of these people inhabited my uterus.
Eventually, I redid the kitchen and something inside me said, "For the love of all that is holy, get rid of the godforsaken apples! Every kitchen doesn't need a theme!"
However, in my desire to go theme-less, I inadvertently chose one anyway: cannibalism.
|My utensil crock of fabulousness.|
|My soylent sign.|
Yeah, I guess "Soylent Green" accurately describes my theme.
But, wait! I have this great spoon-rest, too:
|"Would you like more mutton, Clarice?"|
What did YOU choose?
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Alternate title: NO means "NO" - A Lesson In Self-Control
Yes. In my fevered frenzy of seasoning, the smallest particles of (really) crushed red pepper caught the wind of the ceiling fan and...I peppered myself.
"NO" means "NO". I get that now.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Hand-Painted Stoneware Brightens Your Table! A Brylane Home Kitchen® exclusive! Sunny striped 16-Pc. Dinnerware Set features salad and dessert plates centered by tangy colors-green, blue, red or yellow - so each place setting is unique! Includes 4 each: 10¼'' dinner plate, 7¼...
BUY THESE DISHES!
Pros: Easy To Clean, Awesome, Unique, Durable, Attractive Design, Nice Weight
Cons: Unfit for zombie warfare
Best Uses: Informal Meals, Decorative
Describe Yourself: Stylish
I bought two sets of these dishes last year and I'm still in love with them. They have not chipped, scratched or broken at all. The colors are fantastic. If I somehow managed to smash half the set, I would buy another in a heartbeat. They're just that cool.
Additionally, in the boxes of the two sets I bought, one mug was missing a handle. It had been broken during shipment, I believe, or perhaps during packaging. I contacted Brylane Home about this and they sent me a replacement mug that very week. (The broken mug made an excellent pencil cup, so I kept it.) I commend the customer service on their resolution of this problem. What an awesome company!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Some Other Stuff I Wrote
One of my favorite humor blogs is Hyperbole and a Half , written by a lovely (albeit slightly demented) woman named Allie Brosh. I fell in...
Ever since I wrote this entry inquiring as to the whereabouts of my very most favoritest writer/cartoonist, I've gotten a lot (Alot) o...
For those of you who are teaching your kids the generic "girls have a vagina" lesson, you ARE teaching them that the proper term...
I like picnics. Sure, I mean, who doesn't? I can hear you now, my Ninja Babies: "I love picnics!" "Ooh, picnics? I...
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about truck testicles. Let me try that again. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about blogging ab...
When we become parents, we simultaneously become amateur photographers. We purchase new cameras and snap pictures left and right, for never...
Our winter holidays started out as normally as they could have, considering who we are. We had our annual dinner and gift exchange at the ...
"...Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the Tylenol?!" Clark W. Grizwold I want...
Kitchens. They are the most common room (apart from nurseries) to have some sort of theme. Some have rooster themes, some have Italian or...
And so it begins. Two weeks ago I told you we were getting fish . This week three teeny, tiny, little non-fish called Zebra Danios were ad...