Showing posts with label allie brosh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label allie brosh. Show all posts

Sunday, September 15, 2013

I didn't see that one coming. Fugly Sweaters and Power Tools.

I have come to the realization that I am not psychic.  I know it's true for a lot of people, but I never expected it to happen to me.   My psychic abilities begin and end with knowing just how full the kitchen garbage can get before it spills over into the cabinet under the sink.  And even then it's hit and miss.

But there was a time when I thought I could predict the future.  At least where the holidays were concerned.  I was clearly in denial.


Our first Christmas together as a married couple, I got John a cordless power drill. I was completely stoked and couldn't wait to give it to him.  You see, we are perfectly matched and because I LOVE power tools, my husband would undoubtedly love power tools too.  I knew this was the perfect Husband-y Man-type Thing for my beloved life partner.


I could see it all in my mind: he would open this fantastically shiny and useful tool and immediately declare that not only was this the best gift he had ever received, but that I was an even better spouse than he suspected I would be when he signed up for this whole crazy marriage thing.  I would smile sweetly, knowing full well the extent of my awesome as he bragged about this sweet drill that didn't even require an extension cord to use and me, his wonderful wife.



"Did you see what Erika got me for Christmas?!   Isn't it great?!  I'll be able to get shit DONE now!  How did she know?!  Man, she is the BEST. WIFE. EVAR!!"


That's not quite what happened.  Because I'm not psychic.


He opened it, looked at me and said, "Is this my real gift?"


Damn those delusions of grandeur!



Of course he didn't do any better.  One year I asked for a pink sweater.


Anyone who was psychic would have known that what I meant was that I would like one of those super-soft baby pink angora-type cardigans with the faux pearl buttons that were on all the mannequins at Braun's.  (Good God, whatever happened to Braun's?)


What I got on Christmas Day was NOT that.  At all.  Like, AT ALL.  It was indeed pink, as I requested, and made of yarn.  However.  It was Pepto Bismol pink with stripes of silver tinsel throughout.  And holy shoulder pads, Batman!  I could have played defense for the Steelers in that thing!


I suspected that somewhere a clown was naked and cold.


Now, I am not a completely ungracious receiver.  Please stop picturing Nellie Oleson.  I pretended to love the pastel holiday nightmare and actually wore it a few times. But it was hard to mask my disappointment that it was not what I thought I had so clearly asked for when I said "pink sweater".


I still futilely clung to the idea that one of us would be blessed with the gift of second sight, or at least a knack for insightful guessing.  I remember telling him that I didn't care what he got me as long as it was from his heart.  I said that he could get me a yo-yo and if it meant something it would always be special to me. Mistake.


That year I got a Duncan Imperial.


The lesson here, my friends, is that you must be specific.  Non-psychic spouses do not thrive on uncertainty.   You can't leave anything to guesswork.  Pictures help greatly.  Cut out photos and tape them to the toilet seat, and make sure you mark the exact color, size and number that you would like.  


Yes, it takes the surprise out of your holiday, but sometimes that's a good thing.   If you vaguely hint about something specific, and you and your gift-giving honey pie are as psychic as my husband and I are, you're probably gonna end up with a clown sweater.


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Sirens Who Cried "Tornado!"

That's what the weather warning sirens have always been where I live, really.  To me, at least.  I grew up taking those sirens for granted, because it seemed like nothing ever really happened when they went off.  

In these later years, the intensity of our storms has increased exponentially on the electrical front and we've had some very strong "micro-bursts" (thanks for reminding me of that word, Sonnie), but we still haven't really seen a tornado in this city.  Not one that could be classified as such.  Not for over a hundred years if I recall correctly.  And I hope we never do.

Thinking about the families in Oklahoma yesterday and all of those families in Alabama and Missouri not as recently, I'm thankful for those sirens, no matter what they cry.  


Does your town have warning sirens in the event of severe weather?


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Lookit! More free stuff!

That last giveaway was too much fun and so easy to do that I decided to host another before I open my Storenvy shop.  


This time it's a pair of glass, beaded earrings in a really lovely plum color.  This is one of my favorite pairs, actually, so I made two.  One for me and one for the giveaway.  They really catch the light, don't they?  

So, if you think they're as totally bitchin' as I do, enter to win!






a Rafflecopter giveaway





Good luck!

ETA:  Congratulations to Laura!   Thank you for entering.  I hope you enjoy your new earrings.  :)
 

Monday, July 2, 2012

My Parenting is so full of WIN.

My children recently had their semi-annual plaque scraping and professional tooth polishing appointment.  Even scheduled early in the day, we spend most of our morning there.  Three kids, three cleanings, one oral hygienist...Yeah.  It takes a long-ass time.  
 We came prepared, having brought a backpack filled with crayons, coloring books and reading materials, but it was the Mancala board that got the most use:
Mancala Tournament: Hour Two
By the time the last child was released with healthy teeth and gums, we were nearly starving.  I promised to feed the heathen spawn, so we headed to McDonald's.  (Where else can I poison my family for under twenty dollars?) On the way there, the girls decided that British accents were just what our boring old car ride needed.  The next twenty minutes on the interstate were very entertaining.  Did you know that anything and everything is not just funny in a horribly exaggerated accent, but freaking hilarious?
The fun didn't stop when we reached the drive-thru at McDonald's.  
While I wasn't savvy enough to order the food in my semi-convincing accent, I did greet the cashier who took my money with an enthusiastic "Ello Guvn'a!" making Madison nearly shoot a snot rocket at the windshield trying to stifle her laughter, while the two in the back brayed like donkeys.
Having still not had enough fun, we kept it up all the way home, the hilarity of the situation causing the two smallest campers to increase their volume with each word they spoke.  Finally, I had to ask them to bring it down a notch, saying, "You know what, guys? I don't think they yell everything in Great Britain. I can't recall the last time I heard someone announce: "IT'S TIME FOR TEA!"
Just then, the high pitched, and overly affected voice of Samantha piped up from the back of the van and yelled, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCHES!!!"

I'm still trying to decide whether that's a parenting fail or a parenting win.
 
Which do you suppose it is?
 
 
(If you are guilty of grinning at this, please share it with your friends.  If you thought it was a ridiculous waste of your time, share it with your enemies.)
 
 

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Dear Allie Brosh, I'm going to steal your readers...

Ever since I wrote this entry inquiring as to the whereabouts of my very most favoritest writer/cartoonist, I've gotten a lot (Alot) of traffic on that post.  People are searching it multiple times a day and landing on that page.   They're not looking for me, Allie.  They're looking for you and FINDING me.

It may seem cheap, but you know what?  I'll take it! 

I just wanted to let you know, that I'm planning to borrow those readers for a while.  Only until you come back.  You can have them back...provided that you can identify them.
 
Sure, I don't draw clever little cartoons and I don't have a dog that makes a whine like a jet engine, but I'll try my best to keep those folks entertained in your absence.  Maybe I'll post pictures of things that "almost" look like vulvae and call it "Suddenly Bajingo".   Maybe I'll just talk about how much the Intarwebs misses you. 

Maybe I'll use hypnosis and duct tape.

Anyway, I'll take good care of them, Allie.  I swear.



So, hello!  If you were led to this blog through a search for Allie Brosh, please stick around for a while and we can chat about how fabulous Ms. Brosh is and how very much we miss her unique brand of humor.

But first, look into this golden amulet...you're getting very sleepy...

No, no, keep looking at it...wait.  Where are you going?

Friday, June 22, 2012

How Lily either helped someone drive to Texas or buy drugs on an otherwise normal Friday morning.

I forgot to tell you guys what happened with Lily and me last week.  She and I were out picking up stuff for her birthday party that day ...so this was...Friday...and as we were leaving, we passed a young couple, maybe in their early twenties, holding a sign that said: "Out of gas.  Need to get back to Texas.  Anything helps." 

Still driving, we chatted just a little bit about how far away from home they were but the discussion ended there.  Listening to the radio, Lily's mind was still working on the couple. 

Soon she said, "Mom?  ...Could we give them something?" 
I said, "Would you like to?"
She nodded.
"See what I've got in my wallet." 
She said, "You've got five bucks." 
"Do you want to give it to 'em?" 
"Well, can we?" 
"Sure!  Let's go around the block." 

And so we did. 

She leaned out the window and handed the young man a five dollar bill.  His face lit up and he thanked Lily, thanked me and his female counterpart chimed in with a happy "God bless you."  I could tell their appreciation was genuine.

Now, I don't know what they were driving through Iowa for, but I saw their car nearby in the lot (they had actually been standing near it when we pulled in) and it did have Texas plates on it, so there was no second thought of Gee, I hope we're not helping them support their crazy glue addiction.  But you know what?  Despite that little nagging voice of skepticism, it still feels better to give SOMETHING, doesn't it? 


They were grateful, she felt wonderful and I was extremely proud of my kid.


What about you?  Would you encourage your child to give to a panhandler? 

Monday, June 18, 2012

Hey, you like free stuff? I'm hosting a giveaway!!



Do you know what I do when I'm not wordsmithing, killing plants, taking a thousand silly pictures of my dinner, being accosted by mall personnel or peeking into my neighbor's windows?  

I make jewelry.   

I bet you didn't know I was so talented, did you?

Because this giveaway thing is supposed to be really super easy to do, I'm jumping in with both feet and donating two of my newest creations.   Some lucky person will be the winner of a bracelet and earring set from Random Ninja Designs. 



Ooh, shiny!








Awesome, right?  I mean, is there anyone who doesn't like free sparkly stuff?  I am a freebie whore, people.  If it's free, I want it!  I become positively giddy when I see a package waiting for me on the porch and will knock down any small person in my path to get to it.  


But enough about my deplorable behavior, there's stuff to be won.




Go enter mah giveaway, peoples!  
 

Ooh, look!  A Rafflecopter thing!  That sure makes things easier, doesn't it?   Good luck!


(It's come to my attention that the Rafflecopter is not letting many of you comment for whatever reason.   That's okay. It still registers your entry for the giveaway.  Comment when you can.  I won't be upset, I promise.  Besides, you can always make it up to me by subscribing via email. It's over there on the left.  Go there now. Shoo. Skedaddle.)




a Rafflecopter giveaway



The Rafflecopter has spoken!  Jennifer Serafini Myers is our winner!

Please keep reading RandomNinja.  I'm definitely going to be doing this again.  So much fun!!

Thanks all for the terrific response!



















Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Did I just type that out loud?

Is there a chapter in How to Win Friends and Influence People for folks who live without a social filter?  Because I'm fairly certain I don't have one.

I mean, when you leave a comment on your husband's Facebook page that says "I watered the grass this morning. ;) "  no one could possibly look at that as innocently stating that you watered the new sod when there's an emoticon winking at the reader.  That simple semi-colon, close parenthesis smiley face, made it dirty.  I knew it and I typed it anyway.  Because I have no filter. 
  
This morning I made the mistake of buying mocha frappes for Madison and me.  I exclaimed upon the first sip "Omigod, these are better than sex" and immediately apologized to her, saying, "Jeez, Madison, I say the most inappropriate things to you, don't I? I'm so sorry, babe."
She replied with, "I don't mind. You can say them in front of my friends, too, you know. They think you're The Cool Mom."  Well of course they do!  They're teenagers!  They think the word "dingleberry" is funny.    *giggle*  Dingleberry.
Why do I say these things to my child?  If she grows up with an unhealthy attachment to coffee products, having been inadvertently corrupted by my frappe comment, I'll have Mommy Guilt.  Because I have no filter.
I'll give you another example of my filter-less existence.  Yesterday we took Madison to the orthodontist for her initial visit.  I sat filling out the forms while John read Sports Illustrated For Kids and Madison played on her iPod.  Halfway through my scribbling, this happened:

"Psst.  Hey, hon.  The question here asks "What is the reason for your visit".  I should put "Those teeth be crooked, yo."

John laughed and said, "Jacked up teeth."  

"Yes! Ha ha!" said I...and wrote it down.  "Jacked.  Up.  Teeth." 
Super proud of having the nerve to put his thought to paper, I felt it was only right that I should share it with him.  He looked at it and said incredulously, "You PUT that?!"  Then he shook his head.
 
Well, duh! Yeah, I put that!  It's funny.

They probably get tired of seeing the same thing every day. I wanted to make a memorable first impression.  I imagined that the doctor would look at it and think Well, I don't think I've ever seen that exact answer before.  And he would be correct. 

I think they're going to like us.


Because I have no filter.  






Do you have one?

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Sunday, May 13, 2012

I don't need Hallmark to tell me you love me.

It's Mother's Day.   Sugar Daddy had already left for work, but when I came downstairs, I found this note waiting for me on the computer.  
I know this means that he probably forgot to buy me a card, but you know what?  I don't need Hallmark to tell me how special I am to him when he's got the means to link words together all pretty like that.  
I do love that man.  So as Elliot said regarding E.T., "I'm keeping him."
This was my note:
For my Wife on Mother’s Day:

No fancy card is going to convey how proud I am that you are the Mother of our children. You help raise them with their best interests in mind. You do so much for them that I could never do, or do as well, like hair, “girl-talk” make-up, etc.. Since I work a lot, it’s so nice, and comforting, to know that there is stability here at home provided by you.

We are all thankful for what you do as Queen of this castle. WEAR YOUR CROWN PROUDLY TODAY!!

Love,

Gidget


To answer the question his closing words put in your mind, yes, I call him Gidget.  He's also often referred to as Princess Stephanie.   And sometimes Sharon.
*shrug*
It amuses me.
 
 
Did you get anything meaningful this Mother's Day?

 
 

Some Other Stuff I Wrote