Sunday, July 21, 2013

ToeJam Sam and the Maxi-Pad Aisle

Hi, peoples.  I've got stuff to do today, so please enjoy this piece I wrote a few years ago while I try to find the top of my dining room table again.

ToeJam Sam and the Maxi-Pad Aisle:
I didn't know I wanted three children, but four and some-odd years ago, the urge to have just One More Baby gnawed at me until I finally shrugged, rolled over and ordered hubby to "just do it".   Bingo-Bango-Bongo, I got pregnant (yep, pretty much just like that).  I peed on a stick to be certain of it...on Mother's Day, no less.  Yepperooni.  Pregnant.   
Many moons passed.  Many many moons passed.  So many moons passed that I was beginning to think that I was living on the wrong planet.  This child was setting up shop in there for the long haul.  
I suspected that bambino knew it was wintertime and had hoped to hibernate until the weather warmed up a little.  I had visions of being pregnant forever with that kiddo all warm and toasty in the Womb For Went...*ahem*...RENT.  
So one day in January my doctor gave me a pitocin cocktail with an epidural chaser and a few hours later a very teeny person practically shot out of my vagina (that's "bajingo" for a few of you).  We named her Sam.  Our family was complete with three adorable little girls and the sky was full of lollipops and rainbows.  It was a Lisa Frank world.    
Let's skip a few pages of our story and bring us to the here and now.  We'll title this segment "Never a Dull Moment". 
Yeah, that says it nicely.  Sam is anything but dull.  She's the child who wants to name animals after breakfast cereals and body parts.  ("Cornflakes" was one and I won't say the other one, but it rhymes with Schmagina.) 
This is the same child that cannot watch a toy commercial without stating "I wanna buy that for my birthday" even when she's alone in the room.   This is the child that loves animals so much, she pees on their heads.  (I can just hear her some day, "Jeez Mom. I did that ONE TIME!!") 
The entertainment Sam provides us with is absolutely invaluable.   A trip to the grocery store is never boring.  Just this week, Sam was with me at Wal*Mart.   The surrounding area bustled with my fellow shoppers in search of their favorite shampoos, soaps and various scented shaving creams, when Sam's eagle eye spotted the familiar Always box.  Pointing, and using her I'm Outside And Just Too Doggone Excited About It voice, she exclaimed,
Those are the moments that take my breath away.  Sometimes they take the breath away from other ladies shopping within earshot, whose shoulders hitch up and down as they try not to laugh loudly at what my daughter just said.  Bless their hearts.
Pardon me.  She just ran past the doorway...naked...with a can of Spaghettio's.   

Yeah, dull I don't get much.


  1. Yep, yep. Still love you.

  2. I love it! I have a similar story with my son only in church...
    Those dang kids will do anything to embarass us :-)

  3. Hahaha! Kids are always so much fun to take to the store, aren't they? You had me laughing, that's for sure. If the pads had "wings" I wouldn't be surprised if she wondered aloud whether or not you had birds in your pants.


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All others, thank you so much for your comments! ♥ Riki

Some Other Stuff I Wrote