Last night I was under attack. Zombies came after me in my sleep!
It seems that I was back in my high school days and there was an assembly in the auditorium, which we all know is probably one of the worst places to be in the event of a zombie attack. Everyone knows that when the zombie uprising occurs, you will want to avoid large social gathering places to increase your chances of survival. True, I wasn’t trapped in the mall, but this did not bode well.
When I became aware of the looming presence of the brain-eating living dead, I realized I needed a weapon, but where to find such a one that could handle this onslaught? The Props Closet! I knew there would be an array of swords and sharp, pointy things left over from a recent production of Camelot, sitting ripe for the picking. Only a Master Thespian, such as I would have remembered they had perfect zombie protection at their disposal.
I pushed aside a canvas flat and found the box I sought. I chose my weapon quickly, but carefully, remembering that when it comes to zombies, a machete is very handy, and ended up grabbing what I felt was the closest thing.
Holed up in the props closet, armed with Big Ol’ Dream Knife, I braced myself, channeled my Inner Buffy, opened the door and in my strongest zombie-slaying voice shouted,
“Bring it on!!”
Onward they came, these dream zombies made of random bits of my subconscious:
The family dog? *slice* Dead.
Alex P. Keaton (where the hell did he come from)? *swoosh* Severed.
Some guy with a head wound who may or may not have actually been zombified? Sorry, dude. I can’t risk it. *zing* Dead.
I’ve got to give props to my weapon of choice. Big Ol’ Dream Knife required very little upper arm strength from this particular heroine to prove effective against hordes of zombies (I’m not the strongest slayer on the block, you know). It was amazing, slicing those nasty zombie heads clean off, like…well, like a light saber (to borrow from George’s dream). Who wouldn’t love a knife like that? Got a chicken you need quartered? *slappity choppity* Done! Cleaning fish? *bam* Off with their heads!
Sadly, I learned that Big Ol’ Dream Knife had one fatal flaw. It was selective. Sure, it was able to cut through flesh and bone (ew ew ew ew! *shudder*) but it had noticeable trouble with fabric. I was able to holster it in my belt loop and it didn’t cut one thread.
The approaching turtleneck-clad zombies would be my undoing…