Monday, January 31, 2011

Sick Phuck

The story of my friend's plight as the very busy wife of a husband with a cold
(interpreted by yours truly).

*great hulking man beast bellows*

"Katie, HELP! Come quick!"

*Katie runs in* "WHAT?!"

"I just blew my nose into THIS Kleenex and it's all greenish and gross. LOOK!"

*shoves tissue at Katie*

"Yup, it sure is."

"Am I going to die? I don't FEEL good.” *whines* “Man, I think I need to lie down."

*genius of melodrama lies directly on the floor*

Katie: "Welp. *sigh* Is that all you wanted me for?"

"BUT... I'M DYING HERE!"

"Yeah, I can see that. *eyeroll* Look, I'm baking and taking care of your son and two dogs and cleaning and a number of other things so if you need me for anything else, I'll be in the kitchen."

“BUT—“

“Remind me what the doctor told you.”

*Pouting* “Drink fluids and get some rest.”

“And what else?”

*quietly* “Don’t be such a pussy.”

“Thank you. I’ll be in the kitchen.”


"Katie?

[pause]


Can you get me some juice?"




"No."

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Here We Go, Steelers...HERE WE GO!

No more of this bullshit. You ain't walkin' into the house that Art built in 1933 and declaring victory. We've all seen "A Bronx Tale". We'll let you in our house, but you ain't leaving till we say its time. The Jets ain't got nothing. It's a group of young whipper-snappers, all cocky and ballsy. What we have you can't even fathom. It's time, it's honored, it's tradition. It's Pittsburgh Steeler Time, ALL THE TIME, BABY. You want what we have but you didn't bring a cart big enough to carry it. You can't have it. It's ours. We've been to this dance 15 times and we're walking out lady in hand. You wanted a war, well you've got one.









__________________
Our Father, Who art in Pittsburgh , Football be Thy Game, Let Mendenhall Run, 6
Superbowls Won, On Earth as it is in Heinz Field. Give Us this Day a
Playoff Victory, and Forgive Us Our Penalties, as We Defeat Those Jets
Who Play Against Us. But Lead Us into a Victory, and Deliver Us to Texas .
For Thine is the D-Line, the Polamalu, and the Harrison .....A-Ben. GO STEELERS!!!!!!







(Disclaimer: I did NOT write this. I found it on a Sound-Off forum and absolutely had to share it with my fellow Steeler fans. Enjoy it, my people.)

HERE WE ...................
☼─╔╗╔╗─╔╗╔╗╗╔═╔═║─╔═╔╗╔╗─☼
☼─║╦║║─╚╗─║─╠═╠═║─╠═║─╚╗─☼
☼─╚╝╚╝─╚╝─║─╚═╚═╚═╚═║─╚╝─☼

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Paper Person Visits, Has Time of Her Little Paper Life!

We had a house guest come to visit in December!

My friend Ashlyn, who lives in Virginia, sent the flat, laminated version of herself to my house to spend the holidays with our family. She had a great time hanging out with us.

The first thing we did with Flat Ashlyn was take her to our neighbor's wedding. Here she is in the church with the rest of my family. She was very well-behaved during the ceremony. We didn't hear a peep out of her the whole time. :)

Of course Flat Ashlyn went to the reception with us:


The hors d'ouvres were much to her liking. Here she is enjoying a Cheese Nip. She said she liked it because it was almost as flat as she was.

She even got her picture taken with the bride! Doesn't she look beautiful? And the bride looks great too!

She offered to drive the kids to school before Winter Break. I had to put my foot down though. Hers wouldn't reach the gas pedal.



She got to help decorate the tree and put up one of our favorite ornaments:

Flat Ashlyn got the cherished job of putting the angel on top of our tree. We wanted to put HER on the tree, but we didn't want her to end up being bored there for the rest of her visit.


Flat Ashlyn and Sam read a few good books together...

She learned how to play Heart and Soul on the piano...

Then she played Hide-and-Seek...


It snowed while she was staying with us. Here she is making a snow angel. What fun!

She did get into trouble once for not using her words:

...but she served her time in the Naughty Chair and when she came out of time-out she was as good as gold again. :)

Until she tried to play another game of Hide-And-Seek...

I am happy to report that Flat Ashlyn was a wonderful house guest and was sent back to her real self in Virginia slightly worse for wear, but all in one piece.


I'd like to point out one interesting fact that we learned about Flat Ashlyn, during her stay: She cannot pick anything but "paper" in the Rock, Paper, Scissors game and reacts rather strongly when her opponent repeatedly picks "scissors".


I wonder if that's strictly a Flat Person thing.

Some Other Stuff I Wrote