Saturday, August 11, 2012

Taking the plunge.

Well, I've done it.  I have finally opened a store from which I hope to sell many sparkly things.  It might need a little work and a lot more lovely baubles listed, but it's a start. 

I've got no experience with this, but thanks to the power of the intarwebs, that will not be a problem!   Internet businesses come with rather detailed instructions dumbing down the magical wonders of entrepaneurship into something akin to Lemonade Stands for Morons. 

It is truly awesome.

I don't doubt that I'll meet a snag or two along the way, but at least I've jumped in at last.   I don't think I'll have money falling out of the sky on me, but only because I don't think Paypal can DO that.  It might hurt, anyway.  And I'm fragile. 

Also, I sometimes doubt my genius and think no one will buy my pretties.   But enough of that!  I'm not here to cast my own shadow of doubt, I'm here to promote this wonderful new venture! 

So let's do this thing!

Go here.  Look.  Buy.  I'll make stuff out of whatever you want, for a price.  Except puppies.  I can't work with puppies.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

It feels like fall today.

John took the girls fishing today and I had the entire house to myself.

I sat alone watching Sex and the City (movie, not series) and enjoying the quiet and the sound of the rain and a lovely gentle breeze blowing in through the window and I thought, it feels like fall.

I know it's still August and the heat will climb back up to Oppressive in a day or two, but right now, at this minute, it feels wonderful.

It's one of those mornings that makes me think of plaid skirts and white shirts and crisp apples and the smell of paper.

God, I hope it lasts.
photo courtesy photobucket Klattu01

Sunday, August 5, 2012

ToeJam Sam and the Maxi-Pad Aisle.

Hi, peoples.  I've got stuff to do today, so please enjoy this piece I wrote a few years ago while I try to find the top of my dining room table again.

ToeJam Sam and the Maxi-Pad Aisle:
I didn't know I wanted three children, but four and some-odd years ago, the urge to have just One More Baby gnawed at me until I finally shrugged, rolled over and ordered hubby to "just do it".   Bingo-Bango-Bongo, I got pregnant (yep, pretty much just like that).  I peed on a stick to be certain of it...on Mother's Day, no less.  Yepperooni.  Pregnant.   
Many moons passed.  Many many moons passed.  So many moons passed that I was beginning to think that I was living on the wrong planet.  This child was setting up shop in there for the long haul.  
I suspected that bambino knew it was wintertime and had hoped to hibernate until the weather warmed up a little.  I had visions of being pregnant forever with that kiddo all warm and toasty in the Womb For Went...*ahem*...RENT.  
So one day in January my doctor gave me a pitocin cocktail with an epidural chaser and a few hours later a very teeny person practically shot out of my vagina (that's "bajingo" for a few of you).  We named her Sam.  Our family was complete with three adorable little girls and the sky was full of lollipops and rainbows.  It was a Lisa Frank world.    
Let's skip a few pages of our story and bring us to the here and now.  We'll title this segment "Never a Dull Moment". 
Yeah, that says it nicely.  Sam is anything but dull.  She's the child who wants to name animals after breakfast cereals and body parts.  ("Cornflakes" was one and I won't say the other one, but it rhymes with Schmagina.) 
This is the same child that cannot watch a toy commercial without stating "I wanna buy that for my birthday" even when she's alone in the room.   This is the child that loves animals so much, she pees on their heads.  (I can just hear her some day, "Jeez Mom. I did that ONE TIME!!") 
The entertainment Sam provides us with is absolutely invaluable.   A trip to the grocery store is never boring.  Just this week, Sam was with me at Wal*Mart.   The surrounding area bustled with my fellow shoppers in search of their favorite shampoos, soaps and various scented shaving creams, when Sam's eagle eye spotted the familiar Always box.  Pointing, and using her I'm Outside And Just Too Doggone Excited About It voice, she exclaimed,
Those are the moments that take my breath away.  Sometimes they take the breath away from other ladies shopping within earshot, whose shoulders hitch up and down as they try not to laugh loudly at what my daughter just said.  Bless their hearts.
Pardon me.  She just ran past the doorway...naked...with a can of Spaghettio's.   

Yeah, dull I don't get much.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

This post should read "Results not typical."

I'm not sure how this happened, but...

In March, I wrote a post about Spring Fever and the urge to plant despite my tendency to kill green things.
After a couple of months, this is what became of those innocent little seeds that I shoved into some dirt and watered until they just couldn't take it anymore:

Catnip and cucumbers and petunias live happily together in the window box...
 They have climbed up and grabbed hold of the wind-chimes, silencing them.  (I may have to remedy that with a kitchen shears.)

Are you as shocked as I am?  I mean, look at those plants!  They're, growing and junk. *shrugs incredulously*  I dunno.  I can assure you it wasn't intentional.  I watered the hell out of those things.  I don't know how anyone could survive that much attention with a hose.  (You totally went there, didn't you, you bunch of pervs.)

And still, despite the water-boarding...
See those?  Those are green beans.  Green beans!  I grew those!  (It makes me wish I liked green beans more than I do.)

I'm also growing oregano, basil and tomatoes which you can see in their little group photo.
I'm totally making pizza with this stuff.   Well, not with the green beans.  That would be gross.   I don't want to make herfy pizza. 

I take back what I said about my inability to grow green things.  Apparently, I DO have what it takes to garden.

Edited to add: OMG, wait.  Don't go. The CUCUMBER!  I forgot to show you the cucumber!  To all those I led to believe I couldn't grow something that wasn't housed in my uterus...check out this bad boy.

Suck it, Trebek.

Friday, August 3, 2012

I'll give you two bags of Oreos for your Dyson.

I am the proud owner of a Bernese Mountain Dog named Brinkley.  He is one hairy motherfucker.  Seriously.

This is Brinkley:
"I am one hairy motherfucker."

You can probably tell he sheds.  A lot.  And because I am SUCH a domestic goddess, my house is typically covered in giant hairy balls...of fur. 

I had company coming in the beginning of July and, as usual, an obscene amount of vacuuming to do, but the Saturday before my friend Lori and her kids arrived, my piece of crap Hoover decided it wasn't up to the task and punked out on me.

"YOU suck. I quit."

I didn't have the time or money to buy a new vacuum, but my mother owns a Dyson and lives only fifteen minutes away, so I borrowed hers.  It sucks the way vacuums are supposed to suck!  Yay for clean(er) floors! 
Heh heh.  Right.

Once I had tried my mother's Dyson, I wanted to get one of my own.  So, on Sunday...remember my company was due to arrive Monday...I found an ad on Craigslist for this:
I'll suck the shit out of your floors.  Literally.

So I sent the person an email.

It went like this:

I'm interested in the Dyson vacuum you've listed on Craigslist. 
I'm in Davenport, but I'd love to take it off your hands for you very soon.  Is there anything else I need to know about it?  The listing says it's in great shape.
Looking forward to hearing from you.

Hi Erika
This vacuum runs great, is clean and ready to go. It has no issues, my husband completely went through this vacuum when he cleaned it. We are located just outside of Dubuque by Peosta, if you like I could meet you in Dubuque. When will you be in this area?

It takes me about an hour to get there, and I have company coming Monday that will be headed out on Thursday, so is Friday too late?  I'd hate to say "Oh, TOMORROW works" and totally put you out.  :-/ 

I wonder if I could get you to come down to $100 on it...if I throw in a bag of Oreos?

I suck at Craigslist.  I don't know what the heck I'm doing. 


Then fifteen minutes later I followed up with this:

And of course, NOW I see that you also have the DC17 listed as well.  *drool* 

This Hoover Pet Cyclonic that I've got is a hunk of junk.  I wish I could afford even the $200 for the DC17!   WANT!!

I could offer you $175 and TWO bags of Oreos for the DC17...   

Hi Erika
Thank you for your interest in the DC17. I could do $175 for you on the DC17 (and the Oreos, my husband LOVES Oreos, lol). Could you make it to Dubuque before Friday by chance?

My husband has volunteered to make the trip while I entertain my friend!  lol.
He can make it tomorrow (Tuesday) at about 1:00 if you'd be able to meet him someplace along 61, as he comes into town that way.  

Does that work for you at all?  (I'll send him with the cash and the cookies to complete the transaction!)

Let me know.  :)

 Hi Erika

Yes, that will work fine. Have him meet me at the HyVee on 61, it's by downtown Dubuque right before you get to the bridge. I will be driving an older blue Dodge van and my cell number is below if you wanted to give that to him in case he needs it that is fine. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you so much.

Sounds great!  So we've got HyVee on 61 at 1:00 with $175 (and cooooookieeees).
John should be driving my brown Windstar, and he'll have your number in his phone.  

Maybe I don't suck so bad at this Craigslist thing.  I hope I hope I hope this vacuum makes all my dreams come true!  (Or at least picks up the mass of fur that lines my floors, anyway.)

Till Tuesday!  (Oh, ha! ..Such a dork.)


Hi Erika
Yes tomorrow at 1pm at the HyVee. Craigslist is really easy most of the time. I have had really good luck with listing and buying stuff off craigslist. I have never had someone barter cookies with cash though, I'm happy with that Cookies + Cash = Happy Husband!! Thank you again. You will love this Dyson!


Hi Erika
My husband wanted me to confirm they will be the Double Stuff

 Is there any other kind?!   Of course, they are! :)

Ok, lol

A day later I wrote back to her with this:

This thing is fantastic!    If you click on the link in my signature, one day soon there will be a blog post about this exchange.  It was just too silly not to share.  :)

Thanks again!

Hi Erika
Thank you for your business!!! One package of Oreos are already gone!! Your hubby and I got to HyVee about the same time, he was a really nice man. I explained a little bit about the vac to him but he said you had borrowed one and knew all about them. Please let your friends know about our vacuums, we handle most all models, mainly higher end vacs and they are all nice and clean in good working order like the one you received. Have a fantastic week and try to stay cool!! 

And that's how I got a vacuum that actually sucks.

DC17 - Vacuum of Magnificence
My filter-less existence works in my favor once again!   :)

If you liked it, share it with your friends.  If you hated it, share it with your enemies.


Some Other Stuff I Wrote