Sunday, April 8, 2012

Don't Arm Your Food

Alternate title: NO means "NO" - A Lesson In Self-Control 

Pizza seduces me. It tempts me with its slightly browned cheese and its rich and nommable tomato sauce. It whispers, "Eat me" and without hesitation I do. I can't help myself.
I had a(nother) piece of pizza at dinner tonight, despite the annoying little voice that said,

"No, Erika. Put that back. You don't want another slice."
I ignored that voice and went for the second helping:

"Add more crushed red pepper! Mama-Mia, I like-a the spicy pizza!"

*shake-a shake-a shak-AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! MYEYESITBURNSMYEYESOWOWOWOWOW!!!*

Yes. In my fevered frenzy of seasoning, the smallest particles of (really) crushed red pepper caught the wind of the ceiling fan and...I peppered myself.

Ow.
_ _ _ _

After about ten minutes of flushing my very sore, very red eyes under the bathroom faucet and cursing the employees of McCormick Spices and their offspring and their offspring's offspring and anyone who knew their offspring's offspring, I spent another ten minutes enduring watery eyes and an uncontrollably runny nose. I now understand what it is that pepper spray will do to an assailant.

I have learned my lesson. If I insist on forcing myself on the pizza, I MUST NOT ARM THE PIZZA. (Clearly, I was asking for it.) Better yet, I should steer clear of that Italian-American tease and never think of it again.


"NO" means "NO". I get that now.

I guess I didn't really want that piece of pizza after all. Now that I think about it, it probably had a parasite in its pepperoni.

(Ah-HA! Did you see what I did there? I rejected the pizza, it didn't reject me. I dumped it first, therefore I win. Humph!)



Slut. 


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4 comments:

  1. Are you looking for ceiling fans? Then log onto Jain Electro Mech is a Manufacturer of Ceiling Fan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Classic. The spambot picked up the words "ceiling fan". Awesome.

      Delete
  2. Hey sis, if you'd like, I can pick up a bottle of Dave's Insanity Sauce for you. Your food wouldn't dare fight back after a searing like that (although neither would you now that I think about it...).

    ReplyDelete
  3. A lesson for everyone to take to heart. Take this warning seriously, people.

    ReplyDelete

Spammers, get bent.



All others, thank you so much for your comments! ♥ Riki









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