Friday, March 23, 2012

Scene From The Stirrups **TMI Warning**

**Warning! Bajingo Talk And Monkey Cries Ahead.**  

More sensitive readers may want to skip it.  Count the ceiling tiles and proceed to your happy place at the end of the post.
I think all my ladies are familiar with this scene from the stirrups.

As for the rest of you, I’m going to take you on a magical journey.  Put your feet up in the stirrups and get comfy while I regale you with my tale. 

I finally had a pap smear done this week (after six years) and have to say it went pretty pap smears go.  

Dr. Chuck has been the man in charge of All Things Health Related for my family since I was in the seventh grade.  We’ve been around the medical world and back again with him, so having a more personal exam done like this was only minimally embarrassing, as Chuck has the best bedside manner of anyone I know.  He’s not Chuck Norris, but he might as well be.   He’s just that good.

Let's see...what else...? Oh, yeah! I asked him about my cholesterol and he said, "You're golden." So yay for me! I should NOT be afraid to go full gusto into an exercise program (i.e. walking, cycle of doom, weights) and get into it 110%. I am not a time bomb, he says. "You need to stop being afraid you're going to burst into flames on the sidewalk. You're ONLY 40." (Do you see why I adore him?  Such a comfort!)

So I got a pap.  I also got a prescription for a mammogram.  It's time for the squishing.  Last one I got when I was 35 and my mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I like my boobs.  I plan to keep them for a while. 

In an effort to see why my monthly friend has decided to come down so hard on me every time she visits, Chuck thought we should schedule a pelvic ultrasound, wondering if fibroid cysts were the cause.  It really would be awesome to be able to have a normal seven day flow again instead of the Four Day Tsunami followed by three days of "Well, that sucked, but at least you know you're not pregnant".    

The hospital called that same day and as luck would have it, there was an appointment available for a pelvic ultrasound the next morning.  Well, that was fast. 

My vagina doesn’t usually get this much action two days in a row

I joked with my girlfriends that a stranger would be probing my more intimate bits the next day...and then I realized something: The technician won’t just stick her little magic wand in and let it sit. She’ll have to move it around to get the best pictures.  So…making hooting noises like a Howler Monkey would not be wise at that moment.  In fact, I would probably be asked to leave.   

But I couldn't resist.  

My ultrasound tech said my monkey impression was by far the best monkey impression ever.  

Next time I'll have to throw my voice.

**If you read through all that after I warned you not to, I'm sorry for the traumatizing content.  Please enjoy this picture of a lovely golf course  far, far away from my vagina:


  1. Riki, I love reading about your girly parts. You can lay it on me anytime...

    oh. wait.

    Yeah, I meant what I said.

  2. i always laugh when my hubs comes back from his physical moaning about how he had to cough while being cupped by his doctor. i tell him: until you have several things up your anus moving around and scraping cells from it, then come to be with complaints.

    hilarious posts, btw :)


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Some Other Stuff I Wrote