Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I haz a button.

Did you know that Amazon has a Universal Wish List Button?  You can download it to your toolbar then click on anything from any site (not just Amazon) and add it to your wish list, greatly increasing your chances of duping your friends into getting you more neat-o stuff.  Er...I mean greatly increasing your chances of remembering the frivolous purchases you planned to make.

Wha-??  I had no idea I could do that!

Click.  Turn off Pop-Up Blocker.  Download.  Reboot.  Voila!

Of course I tried it right away by clicking that little Amazon button from my Facebook homepage.

*I* am now on my wish list.

And why shouldn't I be?!  I'm amazingly versatile.  I go with everything!

Monday, August 22, 2011

On the ride to school this morning, there was a loud burst of laughter from the backseat.  It was Sam.  I asked her what was so funny and she replied, "I'm READING.  Listen to this: *proceeds to read snippet from her book* Isn't that funny?!"

That's my kid. 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Boys of Summer - an ode

I hate you with every fiber of my being-
Your incessant song drives me insane,
I wait impatiently for Autumn's cooler temperatures,
To send you back below ground with the rest of hell's beasts-
I wish you never existed, oh demons of summer-
Let the first frost hit before you can dig your way to safety.
Die, cicadas, DIE!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Obnoxiously Naked

Locker rooms. 
They're full of lockers...and people.  

Naked people...wet...naked people.  

Have you ever met someone whose nudity didn't make them the least bit uncomfortable...but it made you VERY uncomfortable?  It's not their nudity that gives you the heebies; it's what they DO while they're naked that does.

(I can already tell I'm going in a different direction than what you're thinking.)

Some people treat the locker room like it's their own private bathroom.   It's not!  Trust me!
I know you're used to letting yourself air dry and you like to put your make-up on before your underwear, but that's at home.  In the locker room, we do things a little more discreetly.  There's a more appropriate way to do your business.  It's the Get In and Get Out system and it applies to everyone.  Stick to the system!  

If you're proud of your body and comfortable in your skin, then by all means, you should let it all hang out, in the proper setting, of course.  I'd suggest someplace like a strip club or a centerfold spread or your kitchen.

Whether you have to rinse the chlorine out of your hair or get the Stank out, you go ahead and take that shower, ma'am.  You've earned it.  Nobody's stopping you.  But when you're finished, please don't spend any more time naked than you have to.  For the sake of your more self-conscious peers, please put your fracking clothes on!  Nobody wants to hear about the mystery rash that showed up out of nowhere, we can't identify it and frankly it's really creeping us out.  Get a cream.

I support the fact that you want to do a thorough job of drying off before you put on your jeans and head home, and I could handle the occasional streak, but the Mister Krabs impression...well...

It's a bit much.
Don't you think?  

Random Ninja...I'm SO not a dude!

In case there's any confusion out there, I'd like to point out that I'm not a man.   There's a reason for this announcement, I swear.  When I created Random Ninja,  I wanted an effectively menacing photograph to welcome my readers. The picture I chose as my blog header was a photo of an awesome and manly ninja wielding nunchucks and he looked like this:
I'm awesome and manly!  Fear me!
If I could remember the name of the artist I snagged him from, I'd tell you, because he IS pretty awesome.  He bears a strong resemblance to the guy who does Ask a Ninja, but he's not...I don't think. 

I digress.  What was the point I was trying to make?  Oh, yes: I don't have a penis.  Stay with me here, people.

I got my first spam comment on a post the other day (a link to a medieval weaponry site), and I thought perhaps my page header (though it was more likely the word NINJA in my title) had led people to believe that I was in possession of outdoor plumbing.  It's been my opinion that any comments are good comments, so the weapons pusher's link didn't bother me as much as I claimed it did, but the notion was already in my mind that I could be mistakenly thought to be a man.  THAT thought bugged me!  My page header needed to change.   I needed something that screamed into the Internet "Let it be known that I do not now, and never have owned a penis! I've never even rented one, despite what any old boyfriends may try to tell you!"

So with a little help from my Paint program and Audrey Hepburn, I was able to edit that manly ninja of manliness and replace his macho mug with one that was a bit more feminine.

Here's the old header:  


And the new one:  I call it "Break Legs at Tiffany's".  *nodding*  Hells, yeah. 

To recap:  Random Ninja - awesomely random, slays with razor sharp wit...

Not a dude. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Parental Duty #388: TAKE PICTURES!!

When we become parents, we simultaneously become amateur photographers.  We purchase new cameras and snap pictures left and right, for never has there been a baby more beautiful than our own. You would think that no one had ever reproduced before! 

As they grow, we document as much as we can of their youth.  We take pictures of them smiling, laughing, crying, eating lemons, crawling, sleeping, nursing, picking their noses, making those special "I'm pooping" faces that only a parent could love and thousands of other things.  It's amazing babies don't suffer permanent eye damage from the blitzkrieg of flash photography they're subjected to.  But time is fleeting, and we have to capture every moment before it's gone.  WE HAVE TO.  

It's in the handbook.

That being said, this blog entry marks our ninth year of photo shoots entitled Blissfully Unaware Happy Children On Their First Day Of School.

Ready?   Let's do this!

 Madison stop texting!
They look ready to take the 7th, 5th and 1st grades by storm, don't they?
Yeah, that's more their style.
On our way to take Sam and Lily to their lines.  I'm like a sniper with that camera. 
I guaranteed her that no one else would have a rainbow cheetah print schoolbag that had a patch with GIR riding a pig on it.   Man, is she going to be pissed if I'm wrong.
Hugs for big sister Madison.

Typical of most seventh grade girls, in reply to my well wishes and profession of love, Kitten gave me a fist bump and a "Yeah, bye" before she traipsed along on her merry way. 
"Don't embarrass me, mother.  I know I'm adorable and you want to continue to hug me until the stuffing gushes out of me.   Please don't.  You may leave now."

Another school year has begun.  That's all.  The End.  

Oh, wait...

I know I told Kitten I wouldn't post this picture. I lied.  


At least I didn't post this one:
Oh, oops.  Nevermind.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Discordant Notes

That should be the title of my blog, shouldn't it?  Well, it's not.  I'm keeping it in my back pocket for safekeeping.  This is the Page of Statuses.
Enjoy it.
My children were putting away their clothes. Lily put a pair of socks in her underwear and said, "I've got a penis." Samantha then grabbed a pair of John's socks and said, "I've got a bigger one." Hilarity ensued. They're still upstairs putting stuff in their drawers and laughing like loons.
I'm feeling really lucky after breaking a knife in two trying to fold it with the tombstone pizza cardboard. I can just see the headline: Frozen Pizza Kills. Serves me right for trying to pass that off as a "nutritious meal".
Is the song Tainted Love about anal sex?
Madison is having fun toying with the Stonebridge Life Insurance telemarketers that call here. "Can I speak with Erika Hancock?" "NO." "Okay, I'll call back another time." "NO, DON'T." "Um, what?" "EVER!" "*click*"
How did my child receive a Mastercard in the mail? She's ten!
I cut the frak out of my finger today because I put so much of myself into my work. If you look really closely, you can find the pieces.
"Mom! Buy a flyswatter!" "Why would I buy a flyswatter, when we have a perfectly good subscription to the paper?"
So, John and I were just outside chatting and he pulled up a chair for me, but the garden hose was impeding his progress. "Well, pull that hose outta there," he said. *snicker* *giggle*
I've joined (not defecting yet) Google+. I think I can recruit more people to my army of spork-wielding people pokers if I cover more bandwidth.
Why am I awake? Because I had a thirsty and a 'hafta pee and you needed to know about it. You are welcome.
Madison: THERE'S ONLY ONE MARSHMALLOW LEFT?!?! *grrrr* *stomp stomp slam*
Okay, who made kissy marks all over my mirror?
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
We are Bjorn Borg: All your underwear are belong to us.
Lily says to me from 6 feet away, "Can you throw me the poopy?" "WHAT??" "I said can you hand me a pooper" "I'm sorry, Lily. I don't have any hearing aids in yet. What did you say?" "Can. You. Get. Me. Some. Paper."

And that's how deaf I really am.
Sam: "MOM! Six words: MY. SHOES. ARE. IN. THE. POOL."
There I was at Wal*Mart, with no phone or camera on my person, helplessly watching the woman in front of me saunter away. All the while, the back of her shirt is screaming at me...and mocking: "This Is Beaver Town!" FML.
All three cats were out on the porch. Zoe looked longingly at the outside through the screen. Frank meowed at the door, terrified and begging to come inside. Phoebe put her butt in front of Frank, daring him to smell it.
In honor of her 10th birthday, Lily has agreed to let us recreate the moment of her birth: "IT'S A GIRL!" "It's a what?! Lemme see that! Hey, it IS a girl!!!"
Lake Superior is just a lake in need of an attitude adjustment.
I have a dreamer. Sam just asked me to play The Last Unicorn song off my playlist and headed immediately into the bathroom to be alone with the lyrics.
Mephistopheles is not my name.
To the makers of Cymbalta: If you have to spend an entire 90 second spot trying to hypnotize me with random people grinning at the camera while a model lists every possible side effect, I'm pretty sure I don't want your drug.
What is Ottoman's superpower?
We are without power and I want coffee and a computer. Strike that. I NEED coffee and a computer. Now.
Deaf Awareness Lesson of the day: LIPreaders read LIPS. You know, LIPS? They're those things on the front of your face that you're flapping madly as you walk away from me.
Whomever thought that I'd be more productive without my computer didn't count on me having this awesome phone.
"Sam, you couldn't have washed that fast. Let me see your hands... *sniff* They still smell like chocolate! You didn't wash them, did you?"   "Well, I LICKED them."
Phil Collins and Phillip Bailey are singing Easy Lover on my playlist and I had such a strong flashback to 1985 that I swear I could smell Coppertone and Fla-Vor-Ice Popsicles.
Don't bother me. I'm blogging.
So I had this dream last night that a friend had a baby. It seems that it wasn't exactly premature, but it was very VERY small (like one whole pound at the most) and because it was healthy and strong (as strong as a one pound figment of my subconscious can be) they sent my friend home with it.

In a hamster ball.
Dear Senior Sitting In The Passenger Seat With Your Hand Over Your Mouth And Nose While Your Husband Smokes A Cigar With The Windows Closed,

I'm sorry you married an asshole.
Why do I choose to use my powers for good and not evil?
Did you know that 3,092 people on Facebook LIKED Herpes? True story.
Can I get some plastic bags with "You have been saved" on them? I don't want to get my Rapture loot confused with the rest of my crap.
I haven't had a knuckle sandwich since 1984.
If i had meant to hit you in the face with the batteries I would have thrown them overhand.
In translating Tween-speak, I've learned that "Yeah, bye" means "I love you too, oh beloved mother of mine". Thought I'd share.
I'm about ready to kill my dog today as he is suffering from some kind of Shitallovermyflooritis.  He's kenneled in the kitchen until further notice. Dumb dog.
I'm going to make a narwhal profile and poke all my friends.
The timing in this next exchange is very important. Samantha doesn't miss a beat.  John: "What would you do with a million dollars?" Sam: "SWIM IN IT." John: "I'll rephrase. What would you spend a million dollars on?" "CANDY."
Today seems like a good day to Google myself.
May is National Masturbation Month. I can't make this shit up, people.
When I die, I want to be taxidermied in bear-attack position.
Thank you, my children, for providing me with interesting status material every day.
Frank is in the living room talking to nobody. He meows in such a way that makes it almost sound like he's saying hello. *mrow-roww* *mrow-roww*
Lily just handed me a plastic Easter egg. "It's empty" I said. "Nuh-uh" says Lily. "I burped in it."
It's painful to watch this mother chase her son around the soccer complex while she tries to watch her older son's game. I think she may kill him soon.
Watched Inception last night. Now I'm wondering if I'm really awake.
Voice from upstairs bathroom: I! NEED! TOILETPAPERRRRRRR!
I can operate my phone with my nose. If I ever lose mobility in both arms and feet, I'd still be able to text you nonsensical blatherings. I hope this is a comfort to all.
Dear Kitty Who Falls Asleep In My Waterglass, when you snort water up your nose you sneeze it right back out again. I'm getting a new glass. Freak.
Well, that's quite a storm rolling in. It's electric! *wakka wakka wakka wakka*
Sam comes into the kitchen: "Mom! Did you fix my whoopie cushion??" *embarrassed* "No..." "Oh. Well then that was AWESOME."
To the asshat woman who flicked her cigarette onto my windshield after I waved you to go first: You'll be happy to know that I came home and immediately wrote you into my status bar, still smelling the smoke and burning rubber of my wiper blade, instead of running your ass down in my van. Next time you won't be so lucky.
To Madison: "Madison, you have to get these dishes done." "But, MOM, I have to go outside and show off my bacon!" Apparently we flaunt our meat byproducts in front of the neighbor folks.
"Look, I understand too little too late. I realize there are things you say and do
you can never take back. But what would you be if you didn't even try? You have to try. So after a lot of thought, I'd like to reconsider. Please, if it's not too late...make it a cheeeeese...burger."
Eating my crazy flakes today.
♫ Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...with free liposuction and a boob job!
John is on his way to contest a traffic ticket. It's going to be tough for him not to channel Arthur Kirkland and claim that the entire courtroom is out of order.
I am your worst nightmare. Wait, that's too ambitious. I'm more like your third worst nightmare. You know the one that you don't really want to wake up from because while it's a little scary, it's also kind of cool? Yeah, that one.
I'd like to be bi-winning.
I enjoy hearing Brinkley's Mr. Bill toy scream "OH, NOOOOOOO" when he picks him up.
I was called into the living room just in time to witness two little neighbor boys marking their territory all over the foundation of the house across the street. And they make fun of ladies for going in pairs...
John: "Hey, Riki. Two things. One - I love you. Two - Dinner's not gonna make itself."
Grumpy Samantha is funneh. "Sam, it's time to get upstairs for bed." "I. AM. WIPING!" "Oh, I didn't realize. Goodnight, honey." "Don't. SMILE. AT. MEEEE." *covering smile poorly* "I wouldn't dream of it." "GOOD. NITE!" "G'night, hon." *STOMP STOMP STOMP*
I find it sad that I live in a world where Carrot Top is considered funny and sadder that he's in an ad on my screen not once, but TWICE.
"My name is John Johnson. But everyone here calls me Vickie."
I wish to someday live in a world where a chicken can cross the road without his intentions being constantly questioned.
IMPORTANT. Tomorrow Facebook will change its settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep and eat your brains with a sharpened spoon. To stop this from happening go to Accounts / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains and un-check the "Tasty" box. Please copy and re-post.
Dear children, The title of Mommy's Favorite is once again up for grabs on Saturday. Who will be victorious? (Please submit your promises of housework and general mommy pampering in writing by Friday evening.)
It's so much more impressive to tell you we got 33cm of snow, isn't it?
I want to throw my kids into the snow and yell "Marco!"
Samantha is very helpful when she's ill. She's telling the cat not to step on the baking soda on the floor and alerting anyone who comes within five feet of her that she has a fever.
Correction: Samantha becomes Captain Obvious when she's ill. We just took the girls to school and upon reaching the steps at home, turned around, looked at her footprints in the snow and said, incredulously, "Those are my footprints."
I'm moody and pissy. If I happen to lose my head and say something unintentionally offensive to any of you today, please forgive me. kthxbai.
Funny. When I tell the kids to shut off the water in the bathroom, they do it. When I tell the dog, his ears perk up for a second and then he farts and puts his head down, looking embarrassed that he's so utterly useless.
Samantha held out her hand and said to Lily "Smell this."

Lily: "Ew, what's THAT?!"

Sam: "My butt."
If the slower two-thirds of my spawn does not move faster in preparing for school, the last third of the spawn WILL kill them both. I'm worried about my carpets.
EXPELLED! Six years ago this morning I was on my way to the hospital. Duran Duran's New Moon On Monday was playing on the radio. I found it cosmic in that it was a Monday (MLK Day, in fact) and a small nekkid person would be bursting forth from my nether regions.

Today is the sixth anniversary of Samantha's expulsion from my uterus.
Frank's meow sounds like one of my children whining "Momma", and if you don't reply to him immediately he meows LOUDER and LOUDERRR. Attention whore.
Conversations With Madison: "Madison, when I come to lunch with you at school..." Madison interrupts: "You can't." Me: "Really, I can't?" "Well, I dunno. But don't." (*giggle* Oh, I am SOOOO GONNA!)
I am of the opinion that Samantha's stick horse should be saddled with the name Elmer. She wants to name him Boobies. What do you think?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if the woodchuck was Chuck Norris?
Me: "Madison, are you eating gum off the paper?" Madison: "No, I had gum, but then I was eating paper and it got stuck."
Madison is licking Pop Rocks off the desk. *spitooey* "That's not a Pop Rock!"
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
"This year I resolve to use only padded, satin hangers" Joan Crawford, 1955
I resolve to stop making New Year's Resolutions. I really think this is my year...
Text from Madison: "Mom, you need to pick me up at 10:31." We'll need to synchronize our watches for this...
I'm considering leaving the tree up and putting the kids in a box in the basement. Thoughts?
I am not afraid to admit that I named my child after a mermaid.
I served refried beans with the Christmas tacos last night, making GAS my gift to everyone. Happy pooting, family!
♫ Frosty the Snowman, was infected with Solanum, he was made of snow but the children know how he was reanimated and ate their brains. ♫
When you're putting a second coat of white on a headboard, close the door to the room so the black kitteh in your house doesn't get the idea to impersonate Pepé Le Pew's feline love interest. *le mew* *le purrr* Le white stripe on your fur, dimwit!
The coffee is hot and fresh. Just like me.
I came to the conclusion that I will no longer listen to holiday songs that purposely and relentlessly tug on people's heartstrings until they force their victim into an involuntary orgasm of the tear ducts. Screw you, Christmas Shoes!
What off-color humor can I spew today that will make my friends want to forget they know me?
Someone please get Weekend In New England out of my head.
Interesting discovery: If you want to annoy the snot out of an eleven year old girl, start singing Superstar on the ride to school. ♫ Loooong agoooo....♫
There's a new blog entry. I think it's gonna get me an award...for not killing my children. :)
Don't blow a gasket.
Do hippos have 'nippos'?
Dear Santa, Please bring me a jetpack for Christmas.
How old do kids have to be to figure out how to use gravity to their benefit? The mustard is in the fridge upside down for a reason. Leave it alone, little dingleberries!
Woke up to the smell of coffee brewing and wondered if a Volkswagon Bug had delivered Peter to my doorstep. Now I can't get the jingle out of my head.
Bugsley the Guinea Pig is spending Thanksgiving Break with us...still grateful that none of the other animals have opposable thumbs.
Five-year-old children do not get to play with glitter. Your pictures will have to remain bland and unsparkly until you are big enough to operate the vacuum. Sincerely, The Dining Room Carpet
It don't take money, don't take fame, don't need no credit card to ride this train, what is it?
Maddie: Sam, if you put your ear up to my butt you can hear the ocean.
I'm going to go into a fitting room at Wal-Mart, shut the door and after a few minutes, loudly yell, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
Sam: "I can see our house from here!" Lily: "We're in the driveway, Sam."
Ah, the sound of a house full of estrogen...*stomp stomp* *SLAM*
Dear dinner dishes, F*ck off.
I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen I hate my kitchen...
The holiday season is rapidly approaching and lines are already long. Makes me kick myself for still not submitting that idea I had for Human Dominoes. Anne Marie, come kick my butt, please.
Kids overheard wrestling in basement: "GET OFFA ME! YOUR HAND'S IN MY BUTT!"
These are my crime-fighting culottes and my poncho of peace. I am superhero.

Shove off. I'm sleeping.
Okay, I give up. Where IS Waldo?
Do I strike you as someone who would ever be terribly serious? To my fault, I do sometimes forget to put the little winking emoticon to denote my sarcasm. Ah, there he is: ;)
Lily's Impromptu Boogaloo: ♪ "Spaghetti...I like to eat it with...Parmesan. Spaghetti...I eat it with my...glasses on."♫
Dragon Speech Recognition Software is only 74.99 right now. Is that a decent deal? I've never needed a dragon translator before. Who doesn't get that *rawr* + *fire* = "get the hell outta my face"?
Who wants to see my Mr. Hanky replica? I made it myself.
After discovering that the fake blood I tried to make won't dry on skin, I decided to break down and buy some for Madison. John's reaction to this frivolous purchase is, "Well, you know you can't ever have too much fake blood." Awesome.
Sam sits on the toilet writing poetry. "I grew a beard! I grew a beard! This is really weird! I grew a beard, I grew a beard! This is really WEIRD!!"
Me: "Samantha, I want you to help clear the table." Sam: "Do you mean you want me to take out the cylinders and rectangular prisms?"
I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.
So that Bella Swan? She's really just a self-absorbed little whiner, isn't she?
Do they market a chocolate specifically made for PMS? Maybe I could save time this month by going straight to the high octane stuff instead of "sampling" everything chocolate-like in a 50 mile radius.
Today I will Freecycle my kidney.
Today was full of discoveries. I found out I can't hear what it sounds like when doves cry.
I'm no longer young and limber enough to Tumble For Ya.
I'm sure you've noticed that most of my status reports are lyrics that got stuck in my head. Those of you who know me well are aware of my tendency to break into song.
Will Wil Wheaton ever knows just what he means to me?
I'm thinking of creating a website for the allergy-prone and calling it YaChoo. Might even be able to use the jingle Yahoo provided. Need backers.
Wondering if this will be the soccer season when I finally spot the elusive Snuggie-Clad family. They're out there. Somewhere.
Soccer Saturday! Two kids with games out in the frozen tundra of the soccer complex. If I do find any snuggie peoples, I may infiltrate their wraps.
In case my computer goes to the techno-doctor today, I think I want this to be the last thing I say to my Facebook Minions: Corn Nuts.
When you are awakened at 6:30 to leave for school by 7:45 and you choose to lie in bed another 30 minutes before finally heading downstairs, rushing around like a lunatic and complaining that your hair won't do what you want it to before running out the door without a coat on in 30 degree weather, the car will wait exactly 60 seconds for you to grab a jacket before it leaves your tardy butt home.
*turns from pot on the stove* There. I'm not looking. Do your thing.
You should see the look on my kids' faces when I tell them I feel the urge to do the Sun Drop Boogie.
Samantha announces that she farted...then goes on to tell me that it smells like pizza and cake and rainbows. How to I break it to her?
We're all sickos at heart. People often deny themselves that inner sicko and you know what happens? Needlepoint happens. Tissue box covers done in needlepoint....with skirts.
"Samantha, what did you get all over your pants?" "Spit an' dirt." Winning.
Sam: I think I know all the flavors of these gumballs. Purple is grape, Green is lime, Orange is orange, Red is Strawberry...and White is snowflake...
So much to clean and so few children to make clean it...
John regarding Diane Lane in skincare ad last night, (without missing a beat)... "Hey, that's whatshername![pause] What's her name?"
Stuff Samantha Says: "Quick! Hold my nuts!"
Bringing the dork a ding dong.
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
Go away, Farty McStinkypants!
Something in this office smells like feet. Who's left their punky feet under my desk?!
Sam: "I LOVES me some biscuits! And I love you too, Mommy. You never get stuck in my teeth!"
Dear Tony's Tree Service people, I can feel you hitting my house with that. Please knock it off. You're paying to fix whatever you damage, assholes.
We've decided that if we ever got two more kittens we would name them Stupidhead and Mustard.
Gorilla Glue - Super strong and now made with real gorillas.
The Miracle Whip lid will not fit on the pickle jar no matter how many times you try to screw it on there. *headdesk*
It's a sequel! Soylent Green has a SEQUEL!
Everybody KEGEL!
Everytime I make pancakes I see that little lolcat. You know the one. Someone find it for me.
Low-grade fevers make Madison less crabby than she normally is.
Grenade jokes don't explode on impact.
Goodnight my minions. Rest well. We have much to accomplish tomorrow. Ready your sporks!!
I live to embarrass my children.
I don't like to finance the little things, but I also don't like to wipe in the dark.
I know all the words to the Nerd Rap. Don't screw with me.
I am your personal facebook status creator! 
When I forget how awesome I am, I just look around at my friends...then I measure their boobs
All I want out of this game is to beat my kids and to bowl well. Wait, that came out wrong...
melon baller.
If I could bottle fame I'd put it in plastic containers and sell it at gas stations across the country.
I am the Lord of the Rings. They're onion.
Darling husband, because I love you, I will ignore the backhanded compliment about the mouthwatering steak and how you can't remember the last time you went back for more on a steak night. See? Ignored.
I'm bringing back the Banana Clip in a big way.
Stuff in my fridge: salmonella-y eggs, dill pickles and muenster cheese.
Poor Samantha. She claims that a bone FELL OUT of her knee while jumping on the neighbor's trampoline. "Where did it go?" I ask. "I just TOLD you, Mom. It fell OUT." "Oh."
Apparently guys do make passes at girls who wear glasses...and random strangers on FB do, too.
I feel the need to alliterate: Smelly Shelley smells so smelly.
School registration forms don't have language selection boxes for Pig Latin, Gibberish and Klingon? That seems unfair, doesn't it?
Children sent upstairs to clean. Someone will report the fight breaking out in 3...2...
I was going to seize the day, but it rolled over and told me it wasn't in the mood.
I braided Gidget's hair in my dream last night while singing Everybody Is Kung Fu Fighting.
I'm up. It's o'dark early. Strong storm brewin'. You know, as soon as the tree is taken down, I can go back to loving thunderstorms. Please don't kill me, Tree.
Three girls were dirty. Showers for all. Now we have three clean girls and a very dirty bathroom.
The house is suddenly very quiet with only my three here. I think they're too pooped to peep.
Samantha: Mommy! There's mashed potatoes in these french fries!
Big scary trying-to-kill-me tree has been condemned. Erika: 1. Tree: 0.
Madison observes: "There are weird people at the mall, Mom. I know this because I was staring at some the other day..."
Woke up this morning in the I'm A Little Teapot pose. What was I DOING in my sleep?
I don't enjoy being technically difficult.
Dropped Sugar Daddy off at airport. Yelled "Bye, Jack!!" loudly.
Yes, Samantha. I'm sure that the dead catfish y'all found at the river was VERY cool. No, I don't want to hear what happened to it when you poked it with a stick. Please. Stop. Telling. Me. *barf*
I do believe I'll invent my own religion today. Who wants to be converted?
The password is *whispers* Nutty Fudge.
Sometimes the words flow so freely from my brain to my keyboard. I forget that I'm typing "out loud".
This morning, I learned that vitamin D and popcorn kernels look nearly the same when you drop them on the floor.
Storms are awesome. Except when they make trees land on your neighbor. Unless you don't like that neighbor.
It's hot and wet. Humidity is a horrible horrible, awful, evil, monstrously wretched thing. And it's only 84 today. Feels like I'm in Satan's armpit.
Children, you may go to bed at any time. Now, for example.
How long do I string up children that push the envelope? Is there a proper knot for this? I don't want them to wiggle out.
The water was very warm today. And I mean all-over warm, not just Child-Adjacent Warm.
I brake for babies.
Lily says, "If I had three wishes, I'd wish for 1: to be rich, 2: to be able to breathe under water and 4: to be able to fly."
Mah pool is green. I suspect it's jealous of me.
Madison's joke: First Baby Cow asks Mama Cow, "Why did you name me Daisy?" Mama Cow says,"Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." Second Baby Cow says, "Why did you name me Rose?" Mama Cow says, "Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." Third Baby Cow says, "Durr...*pbbbblltt*...DOI!" Mama Cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
Last night's dream included Marshall Mathers III giving me a Nikon Macro-focus camera that could capture pictures of the moon and asteroids between Earth and that glow-y orb. Oh, and Lubriphonic was playing in what was supposed to be my pantry. Bizarre.
Dingoes eat babies. It's a fact.
Went to bed early last night and dreamed that I tamed an unfriendly Great Dane named Duke, hung out in auto shop with cartoon versions of the T-Birds and fed cattle a bizarre-looking salt-lick with a non-cartoon version of Temple Grandin. I want a do-over.
Lily: "Mom, what does P.U. stand for?"
Lily practices piano to make time pass more quickly. Why does listening to it have the opposite effect on me?
Tooth Fairy visits: "She brought me a money! It's a buck!"
Today I will venture out with my new 'do. I fully expect traffic to stop for me.
Well, traffic didn't stop for did slow down once I stepped into it though. I heard some yelling. Pretty sure that was a compliment.
Duckface. It's what's for dinner.
See Hamlet run. Run, Hamlet, run. He is going to his Mother's house.
On a clear day, you can see wherever.
Why doesn't anyone blame Balthasar?
I'd kill for a banana Wacky Wafer right now.
Happy-fun Pool Time! Sunscreen on? Check. Spawn suited up? Check. Jaws Theme blasting through kitchen window? Check.
Oh, Starbuck's Mocha Frap, why do you treat me so bad?
I am sorry to have offended the Facebook gods and thankful that they are letting me view my messages again.
If you want to watch your children dissolve into fits of laughter, have a discussion about poop.
Apparently it's impolite to play connect the age spots on the elderly.
Last day of school for the spawn. If they ever get out of bed, they're going to be super-excited.
May I offer you a backhanded compliment today?
According to this morning's spam, I can date single people in my area, increase the size of my wangdoodle and receive retirement benefits. Um...awesome?
Oh, sweet caffeinated elixer of life, wake me up!
Black cats are an adventure. I spent five minutes calling a sweater on the floor of the darkened room.
Let this be the Mother's Day marked by a new vacuum and blender. May they provide continuous suction...and be...fruitful? Blended? Whatever. I got cool new stuff!
Where is this fast and loose bovine that's supplying the world with dairy?
On the inside of Madison's Skittles package: "PLEASE TRY AGAIN. This is the hardest thing the rainbow has to do - telling you you didn't win. And if you need some time to yourself right now, the rainbow understands. We'll be on Facebook if you want to talk."
Awakened at 4am by pipsqueak with a problem. Motherhood rocks.
Samantha: Mommy, I found a chip in the couch. I ate it.
Universe, I'd really like to have my glittery unicorn earring tree back, please.
I LOL'd and then my DD and DH LOL's back and then I ROFL'd and they're all "OMGWTFBBQ"? So I got all PO'd and told them to FO.
To my Diva Cup: It's not you, it's me.
Is there a Diva Bowl?
The trees are blowing in the breeze. Get a room.
I refuse to believe that I'm having a Bad Mommy Moment. I think my children are having an Evil Spawn Moment. I will stay here a bit longer and let them exorcise themselves.
Does anyone know what'll happen to a hundred pound dog who has just eaten a pound of cheddar cheese?
For all those wondering about Brinkley's intestinal goings on, we have not noticed any activity apart from the norm...which is massive as it is.
Brinkley Doodie Watch - Day 3: Ran around the yard chasing invisible threats, barked fool head off at neighbor for interrupting his search, circled spot a BILLION times,forgot what he was looking for, circled new spot once...KISMET.
Sam, this morning: "MO-OM! You woke me up! I didn't even have a chance to sleep, and I was REALLY TIRED!" This, after 8 hours of slumber. Whatever, kiddo. Get up.
I so love getting arguing children ready for church against their will. Happy Easter everyone.
Apparently it's harder to dye brown, free-range chicken eggs than it is to dye white, confined-in-their-own-doodie chicken eggs.
Look, man. I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!
Madison just helped me discover that the version of Too Shy I was be-bopping to was actually in GERMAN. Playlist FAIL by Riki.
Most disgusting dog toy ever? Braided Bull Penis. It's called The Bully Stick. Beef Jerky is more like it. GAG.
Soup Nazi poem...written on my facebook page...NO HAIKU FOR YOU!
Besides an extra ten cents a can, what's the difference between "mixed vegetables" and "vegetable medley"?
Sam: Mommy, we're not Chinese anymore. Me: Honey, we've never BEEN Chinese.
And the winter storm enters the radar screen to the Theme from Shaft. Now THAT'S one cool storm.
Children of mine, you are too loud this morning. Kindly shut it.
Playing "Chopsticks" faster and louder does NOT make it more enjoyable, Madison.
Good news! We don't have to kill Samantha! I learned that a pencil eraser takes ballpoint pen off a 40 inch flat-screen television! Congratulations, youngest spawn, you got yourself a reprieve.
"Mom, do we have any grapefruit?" "Yes, they're in the fridge. Do you want me to cut it?" "No, we don't want to EAT them." (WTH? I don't want to know.)
Sam: "Mom? I think for dinner tonight I should have Cookie...Cotton Candy...Cookie...Cotton Candy...Cookie...Cotton Candy..."
What does it mean when your dog smells his fresh pile of doodie and then runs away like he's deathly afraid of it?
Aren't you glad we don't have to have our driver's license photos as our avatars? Eek.
Fast kitteh + open toilet = faster, wet kitteh.
Today I think I'll eat cake and poke bears with short sticks.
CHICK. PEAS. Film at eleven.
Samantha is working on spelling Hancock. So far we have HanSock and HasCock. Good thing she doesn't have to learn Boomershine.
Where can I find a three-hole-punch?
Samantha's choice for "Wear a hat to school for Catholic Schools Week"? A tall black witch hat. Is that a parenting fail?
If you're yelling at the Mario Kart characters for making you lose your mushrooms, you may have a problem.
Helping a friend find her roller derby name. I kind of like "Stuff Under My Skates".
Best reply to "How are you" gets an egg McMuffin.
I keep my Scrabble tiles in a Crown Royal bag.
Grumpy Samantha this morning: "What day is it? Tuesday? I don't wanna go to school today. There probably won't even be anybody there. I don't even HAVE school on Tuesdays!" *stomp stomp stomp*
Strange dreams riddled my sleep, leaving me asking the question, "When did I get a parrot named Euripedes?"
Dere's a Blizzard a-comin'! I predict Quad-City shoppers will buy out all the milk, toilet paper and Tylenol.
Will someone remind me what was so bad about Leroy Brown?
I despise doing dishes. I had three children so I'd have one to wash one to dry and one to put away.
Cheese Doodles. Snack food or packing material?
I would like to point out that National Grammar Day was NOT about your grandma. Sheesh.
I am in need of a Big Wheel-riding posse with mad breakdancing skills.
I said, "Chick.  Peas.  Film at eleven."  Is this thing on?

Some Other Stuff I Wrote