My children were putting away their clothes. Lily put a pair of socks in her underwear and said, "I've got a penis." Samantha then grabbed a pair of John's socks and said, "I've got a bigger one." Hilarity ensued. They're still upstairs putting stuff in their drawers and laughing like loons.
I'm feeling really lucky after breaking a knife in two trying to fold it with the tombstone pizza cardboard. I can just see the headline: Frozen Pizza Kills. Serves me right for trying to pass that off as a "nutritious meal".
Is the song Tainted Love about anal sex?
Madison is having fun toying with the Stonebridge Life Insurance telemarketers that call here. "Can I speak with Erika Hancock?" "NO." "Okay, I'll call back another time." "NO, DON'T." "Um, what?" "EVER!" "*click*"
How did my child receive a Mastercard in the mail? She's ten!
I cut the frak out of my finger today because I put so much of myself into my work. If you look really closely, you can find the pieces.
"Mom! Buy a flyswatter!" "Why would I buy a flyswatter, when we have a perfectly good subscription to the paper?"
So, John and I were just outside chatting and he pulled up a chair for me, but the garden hose was impeding his progress. "Well, pull that hose outta there," he said. *snicker* *giggle*
I've joined (not defecting yet) Google+. I think I can recruit more people to my army of spork-wielding people pokers if I cover more bandwidth.
Why am I awake? Because I had a thirsty and a 'hafta pee and you needed to know about it. You are welcome.
Madison: THERE'S ONLY ONE MARSHMALLOW LEFT?!?! *grrrr* *stomp stomp slam*
Okay, who made kissy marks all over my mirror?
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
We are Bjorn Borg: All your underwear are belong to us.
Lily says to me from 6 feet away, "Can you throw me the poopy?" "WHAT??" "I said can you hand me a pooper" "I'm sorry, Lily. I don't have any hearing aids in yet. What did you say?" "Can. You. Get. Me. Some. Paper."
And that's how deaf I really am.
Sam: "MOM! Six words: MY. SHOES. ARE. IN. THE. POOL."
There I was at Wal*Mart, with no phone or camera on my person, helplessly watching the woman in front of me saunter away. All the while, the back of her shirt is screaming at me...and mocking: "This Is Beaver Town!" FML.
All three cats were out on the porch. Zoe looked longingly at the outside through the screen. Frank meowed at the door, terrified and begging to come inside. Phoebe put her butt in front of Frank, daring him to smell it.
In honor of her 10th birthday, Lily has agreed to let us recreate the moment of her birth: "IT'S A GIRL!" "It's a what?! Lemme see that! Hey, it IS a girl!!!"
Lake Superior is just a lake in need of an attitude adjustment.
I have a dreamer. Sam just asked me to play The Last Unicorn song off my playlist and headed immediately into the bathroom to be alone with the lyrics.
Mephistopheles is not my name.
To the makers of Cymbalta: If you have to spend an entire 90 second spot trying to hypnotize me with random people grinning at the camera while a model lists every possible side effect, I'm pretty sure I don't want your drug.
What is Ottoman's superpower?
We are without power and I want coffee and a computer. Strike that. I NEED coffee and a computer. Now.
Deaf Awareness Lesson of the day: LIPreaders read LIPS. You know, LIPS? They're those things on the front of your face that you're flapping madly as you walk away from me.
Whomever thought that I'd be more productive without my computer didn't count on me having this awesome phone.
"Sam, you couldn't have washed that fast. Let me see your hands... *sniff* They still smell like chocolate! You didn't wash them, did you?" "Well, I LICKED them."
Phil Collins and Phillip Bailey are singing Easy Lover on my playlist and I had such a strong flashback to 1985 that I swear I could smell Coppertone and Fla-Vor-Ice Popsicles.
Don't bother me. I'm blogging.
So I had this dream last night that a friend had a baby. It seems that it wasn't exactly premature, but it was very VERY small (like one whole pound at the most) and because it was healthy and strong (as strong as a one pound figment of my subconscious can be) they sent my friend home with it.
In a hamster ball.
Dear Senior Sitting In The Passenger Seat With Your Hand Over Your Mouth And Nose While Your Husband Smokes A Cigar With The Windows Closed,
I'm sorry you married an asshole.
Why do I choose to use my powers for good and not evil?
Did you know that 3,092 people on Facebook LIKED Herpes? True story.
Can I get some plastic bags with "You have been saved" on them? I don't want to get my Rapture loot confused with the rest of my crap.
I haven't had a knuckle sandwich since 1984.
If i had meant to hit you in the face with the batteries I would have thrown them overhand.
In translating Tween-speak, I've learned that "Yeah, bye" means "I love you too, oh beloved mother of mine". Thought I'd share.
I'm about ready to kill my dog today as he is suffering from some kind of Shitallovermyflooritis. He's kenneled in the kitchen until further notice. Dumb dog.
I'm going to make a narwhal profile and poke all my friends.
The timing in this next exchange is very important. Samantha doesn't miss a beat. John: "What would you do with a million dollars?" Sam: "SWIM IN IT." John: "I'll rephrase. What would you spend a million dollars on?" "CANDY."
Today seems like a good day to Google myself.
May is National Masturbation Month. I can't make this shit up, people.
When I die, I want to be taxidermied in bear-attack position.
Thank you, my children, for providing me with interesting status material every day.
Frank is in the living room talking to nobody. He meows in such a way that makes it almost sound like he's saying hello. *mrow-roww* *mrow-roww*
Lily just handed me a plastic Easter egg. "It's empty" I said. "Nuh-uh" says Lily. "I burped in it."
It's painful to watch this mother chase her son around the soccer complex while she tries to watch her older son's game. I think she may kill him soon.
Watched Inception last night. Now I'm wondering if I'm really awake.
Voice from upstairs bathroom: I! NEED! TOILETPAPERRRRRRR!
I can operate my phone with my nose. If I ever lose mobility in both arms and feet, I'd still be able to text you nonsensical blatherings. I hope this is a comfort to all.