It’s been a long time coming, but after nearly 17 years, Sugar Daddy and I finally decided we were ready to buy new furniture. I mean, “NEW” new, not just “new to me” new.
Shopping for furniture is a surreal experience. You go someplace you've never been before, sit on other people's stuff and act like you live there while people you've never met before rush at you from every direction and attempt to make conversation. Try it on a weekend and you can laugh as they try to feign interest in your furniture needs, despite the fact that their eyes dart each time the bell on the front door rings.
We tested out the comfiest of the comfy furniture in every store in town. Twice. We sat on it. We took our shoes off and put our feet up. We got comfortable.
And I realized something...
We looked completely ridiculous.
Comforted by, and giggling inwardly at the fact that other customers were all “getting a feel” for their prospective new couches and chairs, looking just as ridiculous as we did, we searched happily until (finally) just the right living room set presented itself to us. I'd like to say that at that moment the heavens opened and a ray of light shone down on it as a choir of angels sang, but that would be a lie...unless we can count the Bangles singing “Hazy Shade of Winter" in another part of the store. Anyway, we knew we had found what we were looking for.
LET'S BUY IT!
Now, there's one thing I learned about buying new furniture. You have to wait for it.
Wait, what? WAIT?? Oh.
I hate waiting. It’s not enough to sign your refund away and put up a kid (or two, if you want the matching ottoman) in the promise that you’ll finish paying for something that, let’s face it, your butt really gets the most use out of. You also have to wait for a month and a half before it can be delivered to your house. Still, I didn't want to go home with the floor model. What would the point of that have been? We were buying NEW, not some community couch that 800 people farted on. (Suddenly waiting doesn't seem like such a chore.)
We used the time to say goodbye to the terrible furniture of the past, subjecting our backs to a bit more pain and suffering as we readied ourselves to sit in the long-awaited lap of luxury where so many have gone before us.
In making this rather large purchase, I feel it’s only right to pay homage to the furniture of our past. Many years of marriage, children, pets and holidays were spent relaxing on our “satisfactory” yard sale finds, friends’ and relatives’ hand-me-downs, gawd-awful chairs, one Hideously Ugly Striped Couch and The Terrible Man-Eating Sofa.
I send a shout out to the Terrible Furniture of the past...
|How Now Brown Couch (with Lily age 6 months)|
|The Sandpaper Snapper: Hide-a-Bed Loveseat of Doom (and Madison age 2)|
|Hideously Ugly Striped Sofa (with Madison, home from the hospital two whole minutes, and a curious Frank)|
|Hideously Ugly Striped Couch (with Madison and Luthor)|
|Sandpaper Snapper (with Madison and Luthor)|
|Lumpy (with Lily)|
|How Now Brown Couch AND Sandpaper Snapper (with Sugar Daddy and Luthor)|
|Great Gold People Swallower (with Yours Truly at 27 and Luthor)|
|GawdAwful Chair (with Luthor)|
Terrible Furniture, adieu. For the most part, you kept our butts off the floor and for that, we thank you.
Alright. NOW I can post our new, newly purchased "NEW" new furniture without guilt. (Have you ever typed a word so much that it suddenly looks like it's spelled wrong?)
|Fabulous New Loveseat of Awesomeness|
|Fabulous New Sofa of Awesomeness (with Madison...smelling it?)|
|Fabulous New Furniture and Madison|
|Fabulous New Television (free 51" tv with insane furniture purchase) and Fabulous New Television Stand (not free, but still a good deal)|
So there it is…all set up in our living room, looking fabulous, not sagging in the wrong places, poking our posteriors with popped springs or trapping us in its cushiony depths and forcing us to live off stale Cheetos and abandoned M&Ms.
We sat on it. We took our shoes off and put our feet up. We got comfortable. And I realized something: We own grown-up furniture. *blink* *blink*
I said, “Honey, this is grown-up furniture.”
“So should we act like grown-up people?”
“Oh, hell no!”
“Yeah. I was just checking.”